Simply Loved
Dear Lord,
Last night I cried as I wrote down in my journal what was on my heart.
Scared, anxious, ashamed, insecure...
As I wrote down my insecurities and everything that I was struggling with (such as self-reliance, codependency, jealousy, impurity etc...) I kept being reminded, "Lord You know exactly how I feel, You understand."
Lord, how could You send Your Son here where He suffered temptation and died for our sins? How can You love us so much? I could question Your love for hours.
But when I'm questioning You it's like I'm going up to Jesus on the cross and asking Him, "but do You really love me?" Of course You love me Lord, of course You do.
Last night I cried as I wrote down in my journal what was on my heart.
Scared, anxious, ashamed, insecure...
As I wrote down my insecurities and everything that I was struggling with (such as self-reliance, codependency, jealousy, impurity etc...) I kept being reminded, "Lord You know exactly how I feel, You understand."
Lord, how could You send Your Son here where He suffered temptation and died for our sins? How can You love us so much? I could question Your love for hours.
But when I'm questioning You it's like I'm going up to Jesus on the cross and asking Him, "but do You really love me?" Of course You love me Lord, of course You do.
But it's those moments when I'm a mess; I wonder ... how can You still love me?
There were a lot of things You have revealed in my heart this year Lord. So many things I had to confront.
I sat there in tears. I really didn't want to deny myself, it's so much easier to pretend everything is okay and stuff away the ugliness in the back of my heart. I was anxious, afraid, and definitely prideful.
In tears I told You, "but Lord it's so hard."
I felt like You were telling me, "I know it's hard, and I know you can do it."
I ended up writing 4 pages on what I've been struggling with for the past few months.
I felt useless and questioned if You could really use me for Your plans. I felt discouraged when people I invited to Bible Talk don't show up and when I couldn't join/lead Bible studies.
"Is something wrong with me?" Again the feelings suffocate me: insecure, lonely, insignificant, and worthless. There were mornings where I didn't feel like there was a point to get out of bed. Even though sisters reassured and encouraged me about how I felt, I still struggled. I shamed and compared myself to others and thought I had to take on a certain persona to be liked. But through all that, You revealed so much in my heart.
You showed me that I confuse worldly standards with Your love. The world tells us that our value is in our achievements and works. But I'm valuable to You even when I'm a mess. You love me simply for me. You don't expect me to do anything.
I realized a childhood memory kept replaying in my mind like a broken record. In 3rd grade I showed my mom my progress report that had 4 B's. She was disappointed in me and ignored me that day. I felt unloved and abandoned (although I'm pretty sure she didn't).
Then I realized that I've been confusing that with Your love. I started to think that if I'm not getting "spiritual A's" then You will love me less, be disappointed, and ignore me.
Even though I was crying a storm, I felt peace. I surrendered it all to You. I truly started to understand that every test and trial happens for a reason.
Perhaps You allowed a season of fruitlessness to show me Your love. Maybe You did it to make me realize that You love me even if I don't do anything for You.
I'm still struggling with competitiveness, comparing myself, and the mindset of "less than best isn't enough," but I know You will refine me Lord.
"I do not need to perform any more to let Him accept me - He already showed His acceptance by dying on the cross. I am accepted for who I am, not what I do. God accepted me not because I am the best, but [because] I am His daughter" (Xin's Story, Secure in Heart by Robin Weidner).
You are my rock, my solid foundation, and my refiner. I pray that You will continue to reveal and refine all that's in my heart and that I will remember to stay secure in Your love.
Love,
Angelina
P.S. I'm still struggling to get out of bed. Maybe it's because I was crying past midnight and ended up going to bed at 3 a.m. (whoops). But I woke up to bright, white snow covering all the trees like in Narnia. It was a pleasant sight as the sky began to clear up and you could see the wind blowing snow off the trees. Thank You for reminding me of Your beauty and glory.
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