It's been a week since my boyfriend and I had a mutual breakup. I remember him telling me, "The only reason I'd break up with you is if I see that I'm dragging you down or distracting you... How about you?" I replied, "Yeah I'd only break up with you for the same reason." We were in sin, our eyes were off of God. It felt completely right to break it off.

     I was completely fine with the breakup, in fact, it was a relief we did. I was more saddened by the fact that I was being a stumbling block than us breaking up. I was doing a lot better spiritually and I saw that he was doing a lot better spiritually too. I was filled with joy. Another reason I was filled with joy was because I was very optimistic that we were going to get back together. "If things keep going as they are now, we'll be spiritually strong and we can restart our relationship with the correct foundations!" Although that may be true, I didn't think about the possibility that this relationship might not be God's plan. I forgot to surrender to His will. I was so caught up with my optimism of getting back together that I was focused on my plan rather than God's perfect plan.

     My heart sank. "There's a possibility that we aren't going to be together. There's a possibility that there is someone better for us spiritually. Or even a possibility that I'll just be single forever." I had to remind myself to let go of control and remember that God's plan is the best plan and to surrender to His will. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

     I don't even know what my role is in the ministry, how could I think of dating someone right now? Where am I going to move to? When will I return to New York? Will I just continue a long-distance relationship if he doesn't decide to move to New York? Will I stay for him? 

     I have a lot to pray about. All I know is that I want to continue working for God. I want to find out what my gifts are and use for the kingdom. God will make it clear what is the best for the both of us. And if He makes it clear that we shouldn't be together then it's fine because in the end it is God who fills our every need. 

     I've learned a lot from our relationship: how easy it is to idolize people, how easy it is for me to find security, satisfaction, & sustenance in places other than God, how important it is to surround ourselves with older disciples, how deceitful our hearts are and the importance of asking for advice, how important it is to be vulnerable, how crucial it is to be honest & forthright when you need help, that being in a relationship is not about each other but how a couple could work together to advance God's kingdom, and so much more that I can go on and on about. I'm glad God was able to use this relationship that started off in sin to now refine our characters and draw us closer to Him.