Heart Work

The fool says in their heart, “There is no God.” (SuMart Edition)

I think myself to be a fairly patient and loving person, or so I thought I was. Working a retail job full-time was a slap to my pride. I remember this analogy from high school chapel that a tea bag represents our character and the hot water is our circumstances. Only when the tea bag is put into hot water does our true character/color show. And this job was showing all colors of my anger, impatience, and lack of love: When customers complained and asked senseless questions. When parents didn't care about their screaming children running around the store. When guys tried flirting to get discounts. And long hours each day repeating all of this... My character was tested, I absolutely hated working here. 

In the beginning I loved talking to the customers. It was fun getting to know them, asking them how their day was, and seeing the stuff they buy, but I allowed my flesh to take over. When I started focusing on all the negatives, I turned bitter and judgmental.

There they go again spending their money on alcohol and cigarettes.
Do these guys have nothing better to do than to flirt?
Why are they wasting their food stamps on all this junk?
People walk in here like they own the store, where are their manners?

Some of my thoughts were true concerns, but it also wasn't an excuse for me to stop loving, understanding, and showing them Christ. I became so wrapped around pride and selfishness that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I spent most of my shift glued to my phone and itching to get off of work. 

In my heart I said, "These people aren't worth my time."

Serving Others Selflessly 

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

I gladly served my family and others in the beginning. It was tough working full-time, but I found joy in it - until the Enemy started whispering:

Why are you even working so hard? For your sister? What has she ever done for you? 
You don't need to work, you're being too nice. 
You're wasting time.
You could be back in New York right now.

"You're right," I replied. I deserved more, right? I deserved to be discontent, angry, and bitter. Why was I working? Why was I living alone? It was all for others, but what have they done for me? I was angry at my mom, my sister, and even with sisters in the church. I was angry at everyone for not helping me. Because it's all about me and how I was feeling.

In my heart I said, "I don't want to serve, I want people to serve me."

Looking at Jesus

Jesus had a full time job that wasn't glamourous. From the dawn to night He dedicated His time to preach and heal. He barely had a break, people were always bombarding Him. Did they pay Him? Did they thank Him? Did they love Him? Probably only a small amount, an incredibly small amount. If I were Jesus I would say, "Screw this, why am I wasting all this time for people that don't even care or appreciate me?" But Jesus and His amazing love continued to serve. He didn't care if people just left after being healed. All that was on His heart was "by this they will know the Father's love and they will come closer to Him." 

the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. 
Matthew 20:28 

Jesus washed His disciples' feet. Even though He was the Son of God, He humbled Himself and He lived as a servant on Earth. If there's anyone on Earth that deserved to be angry and discontent, it was Jesus. He had absolutely no reason to give His life to us, but He wanted to. Lord, teach me to love like You. 

(BTW this doesn't mean that we should serve until we're exhausted, but the issue was with my heart and how I responded. Instead of admitting and asking for help, I blamed others for the position I was in. Having a humble heart and telling people I was feeling lonely and overwhelmed would've helped a lot. Even Moses was told to share his load. The Bible tells us to share our burdens! I was prideful thinking that I could manage all my emotions on my own. ) 

Nineveh and Egypt 

I was close to buying a ticket back to New York multiple times. And maybe that's what Satan wanted me to do. Maybe Satan's battle plan was to make me feel so discontent, bitter, and feeling entitled to "something better" so I could leave. He wanted me to give up on being back home where my parents, friends, and old classmates are. But I'm glad that the Holy Spirit has made it clear to me that I need to stay on Guam a little longer.

I pondered on that thought for a moment and a familiar story came to mind. "Wait, I'm doing exactly what Jonah did with Nineveh." 

In my heart I said, "No God, I don't want to reach out to the people here." 

Jonah and I have different reasons for not reaching out, but one thing is similar - selfishness. I remember when I first read the story of Jonah I thought, "Crazy! What is this man doing? How could he not want to reach out to the people of Nineveh? God is calling him there to save souls!" But that's exactly what I was doing. Instead of "Here I am, send me!" I was saying, "Here I am! But send me anywhere but back home." God intentionally puts us in the places we are. He desires everyone I know at home to know Him. The love that moved me will surely move them.

After having a humbled heart there's another obstacle - insecurity. "Can You really use me here? Who am I to reach out to the people?" And doesn't this sound like another person?

But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else." Exodus 4:13

In my heart I said, "God can't use someone like me."

I'm tempted to think that I need to be strong, steadfast, unmovable, and emotionally stable to be effective and efficient. But that's not true at all. As I move into my third year of being a disciple, I've come to understand the truth that God doesn't want anything but us. He wants us broken, bruised, battered vessels to show His glory. It doesn't matter how old we are, what job or reputation we have. God uses us as we are. Paul says in Philippians 3 that all his gains are considered a loss for Christ. It doesn't matter who we are in the world, but who we become in Christ.

I'm tempted to hide my tears and struggles from my friends. "Shouldn't a disciple look happy and bright all the time?" But picture this, it would be easy for someone to glorify and trust God when their life is going good. But it would be astonishing to see someone trust God in the storm. Through our weaknesses, tears, and struggles, God is using us powerfully to shine brightly. When Paul and the others were in prison, that inspired all that knew about them to follow Christ. Even if it feels like we aren't at our "best," God's strength shines through it all.

Time is Never Wasted with God

After a month of working full-time it felt like I wasted so much time. In a worldly point of view, maybe I did. Why spend so much time working at a mom and pops store when you don't need to? But God was revealing to me that my time is always fruitful when I abide in Him.

Was it a waste of time talking to Jake about church?
Was it a waste of time talking to regulars each day, even adding one on Instagram?
Was it a waste of time reconnecting with old classmates when they visited you?
Was it a waste of time getting closer to Dana?
What about that one guy who asked questions about Christianity?

And there's so much more. It's all been blessings working here. A kind boss, interesting coworkers, and weird customers. No matter where I am, I am fruitful. God doesn't need me in New York, nor does He need me to have an "important" job. It's beyond my human understanding, but God can use a random cashier at SuMart to spread and water seeds. I need to trust Him more. Our God has no limits to how He can use us. 

But during those days of discontent in my heart I said, "God can't use me here. I could be doing something else with this time." 

I asked for less hours because it was getting in the way of studying the Bible and going to Bible Talk. But I don't regret the weeks I worked full time. I think I needed that reminder of how ugly my heart can be and truly practice love.

Joy in All Circumstances

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 2 Corinthians 6:10

Instead of being joyful in my circumstances, I tried to change my circumstances to be joyful. "If I moved back home, if I quit this job, if I was back in New York - then I will be joyful."

In my heart I said, "I can only be joyful if I change my circumstances." 

Those things will surely add to my joy, but as disciples, joy is obtainable in all circumstances. I should know better that circumstances won't change much. In high school all my prayers were answered. I lived with my family in a nice house, my mom was able to be self-employed, my grades were good, and my parents spoiled me to make up for the years that they couldn't. There was even a week where my mom and I spontaneously flew to Hong Kong just because I was bored during spring break (how spoiled haha). But I was unhappy. Money, popularity, and other people will never satisfy us. True happiness is not obtainable on Earth because we are imperfect people living in a sin filled world. That's when I started reading the Bible and discovered true love, peace, joy, and an everlasting Kingdom. We are able to have joy because we have Christ. Joy is obtainable in all circumstances. 

I have joy in SuMart. I can play my own music, I can go on my phone, I can snack behind the counter, and I have lovely people around me. I appreciate my boss who looks after me, the customers that ask how I'm doing, and my friends who visit from time to time. And I have a loving God who provides and takes care of me. I have more than enough reason to be joyful.


Agape Love: A Changed Heart

I realized my love for the customers at SuMart wasn't agape love, it was transactional. I loved when I thought they deserved love. I loved when they loved me back. I loved based on circumstances. And that is not the love God calls us to have. 

I was annoyed with this one regular. He was worldly and a flirt. I was baffled at his audacity when he asked for discounts. There was a time he asked me to cover 6 dollars of beer for him. I wasn't angry but instead I felt love and compassion. Cigarettes, alcohol, and flirting. How empty is this guy feeling to be constantly filling himself with meaningless, temporary pleasures? How is it so easy for him to be saying all these things? How long has he been doing this? Lost, lonely, longing for something more. Instead of an annoying guy flirting for discounts I saw a lost soul needing Christ. 

God continues to refine my heart. I still want to go back to New York, that longing won't go away anytime soon, but I'm joyful being back home. It's a fight to be joyful in all the circumstances, but I see God's hand in it all. 


The Fool Says in Their Heart

The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” Psalm 14:1

Notice how this verse says "the fool." Not an unbeliever, not an atheist, but "the fool." Saved Christians can be the fool. Even though I was in my Bible and praying to God daily, my heart and actions were those of a fool that said, "there is no God." I was judgmental, prideful, and selfish. I was insecure, ashamed, and anxious. I lived life like God wasn't there. But as I remember the grace and mercy that was extended to me. As I look to Jesus, the perfect example of a servant on Earth. When I kept God's words close to my heart. I was filled with love and ran back to Him with a softened, humble spirit. Like the prodigal son, I remembered my everlasting home and the inexhaustible, irreplaceable love the Father gives. Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.



Angelina

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2 Comments

  1. destroying_strongholdsWednesday, May 26, 2021

    Thank you for writing this. Seeing how much your heart for God and your understanding of His love has grown fills me up with joy. Really. It takes true humility, vulnerability, and strength to not only admit pride and selfishness but also to resist and overcome it by choosing to serve others, even when you don't "feel" like it. And what's even more difficult is being consistent with it! Yet we are called to do it: to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily. The part about being selfish and prideful towards others, thinking that they're not worth your time, was very convicting. Because for me, God's revealed to me over time that it's exactly how I've been treating some of our fellow brothers and sisters in church. Even though the thought hasn't materialized, it shows in my actions - in not initiating hang outs, in not keeping my word, in being late and sometimes not even showing up. And this is not just towards strangers, but towards people I call my brothers and sisters in Christ! There's a lot of growing that I need to do, and seeing your growth in this area has encouraged and renewed a desire to put forth more effort. Also, what you wrote about the fool who denies God in his heart really resonated with me. I have been denying God. Not so much by my words but in the way I live. I live as though God does not fulfill His promises, and I've been living a life drowned in my feelings instead of the truth. I haven't been trusting God. And He's been revealing to me my unforgiving and unbelieving heart. I'll be praying for you, Angelina. Please pray for me as well. Perhaps God will one day call you to that ship to Tarshish, the land of gold, spice, and an appropriate old testament equivalent to the "city of dreams". But I can see how God is using you in the lives of our friends here and it's exciting seeing that He's using you in the lives of others around you as well. Putting personal feelings aside, I'm glad you haven't gotten on that ship just yet. I'm excited to see the work that God's doing not only within the hearts of our friends but also in our own hearts. Keep it up. And super random but whatever you had to do for your thesis really leveled up your writing. And all that reading is definitely being reflected too. I mean I've always known that you were good at writing but this post was definitely a new level. No cap. *crickets* Anyways. I can't wait to read your book one day.

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    1. AngelinaFriday, May 28, 2021

      Thank you for the encouraging comment anonymous reader who I totally don't know in real life. But forreal, I am encouraged that you enjoyed it. I'm glad God is revealing all that's on your heart too. I'm excited to see your fruits of staying faithful to Him. I will be praying for you. Also I'm not sure if my writing got better from my thesis because Lenka practically wrote it for me lol. It must be from all the reading or just the Holy Spirit wink wink.

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