I'm speechless as I read her message. I quickly get up from the dining table and retreat to an empty room. In the dark I cover my face and cry.
Speechless as I listen to Teresa over the phone saying, "she left." Suddenly the loud, bustling streets of K-Town freezes in silence as I try to process the news.
Speechless as I stare at his text saying, "You don't care, you don't actually love me." My chest tightens. I squeeze my phone.
Speechless. Absolutely speechless as I hear her say, "You wouldn't care if I killed myself." Tears stream down. How do I reply to words like that?
And I believe the lie.
I feel worthless, like a failure, and a waste of space.
I'm overcome by guilt and grief.
"If only I did something earlier. If only I showed my love better. If only I did more for them. Maybe this wouldn't have happened."
It doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it forgives, it never gives up.
And as Cory Asbury's famous song puts it, it's "reckless love." Not that it's actually reckless, but from a worldly perspective it seems like it. Why continue loving those who hurt you? Why continue loving those who left you? Why continue loving those who hate you?
It's in those moments of hurt and pain where you can show true agape love.
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. (Luke 6:32)
Even if people give up on me, the lover of my soul continues to sing over me. He tells me that I am worthy in His eyes. He tells me that I am valuable. If the Creator of all things says that, shouldn't I believe Him? He gave His only Son so I could be with Him, how much more can I ask? He has poured all His love onto me. He tells me that I'm not a villain, no one is. Satan and sin are the villains. When we stay in darkness and sin, only then are we siding with the Villain. We are imperfect human beings that will hurt others and be hurt. He tells me to have grace on myself, to have grace on my imperfect self.
Run to Him oh my soul, rest in His embrace. Prince of peace, Refiner, Rock, Protector, and the one who has shown me the ultimate form of agape love... Lord You are good, and I consider it all pure joy. Even when I am on my knees in tears, I will consider it pure joy. You never give me anything I can't handle. And when my strength fails, I can always lean on you.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.(James 1:2-4)
This blog post might seem very vague to some people. It's a prayer, it's my heart, my emotions. It's a mess but at least God knows what I'm talking about (haha). Maybe some of you might know one or two people I mentioned in the beginning.
An area God is refining me in is my relationships. I'm a people pleaser, conflict avoider, and I suck at communication. When I build friendships there's always a wall when they get too close. It's a mixture of fear and and a bunch of other stuff that God continues to reveal and refine in me. The Devil uses it as a foothold (Eph 4:27), spreading all sorts of bitter roots, doubts, fears, and assumptions. Sometimes I'm tempted to just cut myself out from everyone's life because I feel like a nuisance. Why be friends with someone you can never really get close to?
My prayer for myself is to love with no hesitation, to love like Jesus. There will always be a risk of being misunderstood, abandoned, and hurt because we're all imperfect. Jesus fought to love us with agape love. He went to the Garden of Gethsemane pleading and wrestling in prayer. It must've been painful to be betrayed, ridiculed, misunderstood, and crucified. But He didn't run away, he didn't respond in silence because He loved us so much. He loved with no expectation of us loving Him back. Lord, let me love like You.
