Surrender

Even When I Am on My Knees in Tears, I Will Consider It Pure Joy

I'm speechless as I read her message. I quickly get up from the dining table and retreat to an empty room. In the dark I cover my face and cry. 
Speechless as I listen to Teresa over the phone saying, "she left." Suddenly the loud, bustling streets of K-Town freezes in silence as I try to process the news. 
Speechless as I stare at his text saying, "You don't care, you don't actually love me." My chest tightens. I squeeze my phone. 
Speechless. Absolutely speechless as I hear her say, "You wouldn't care if I killed myself." Tears stream down. How do I reply to words like that?

I try to convey my heart, my emotions, my thoughts. I write letter after letter. I draft my messages and rehearse my phone calls. But I don't press send, I don't press call. I never deliver the letters. I don't say what I want to. Silence eventually becomes my reply. I'm speechless.

Why try? The Accuser whispers in my ear. Give up. It's all your fault. If you just did more, and was more, this wouldn't have happened. Their life is better with you not in it.

And I believe the lie. 

I feel worthless, like a failure, and a waste of space. 
I'm overcome by guilt and grief.
"If only I did something earlier. If only I showed my love better. If only I did more for them. Maybe this wouldn't have happened."

Shouldn't it be easy to love those I love? Shouldn't that be so simple? How do I get myself into these situations?

But agape love is never easy. It's far from being easy.
It's selfless, sacrificial, unconditional. It persists no matter the circumstance.
It doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it forgives, it never gives up.
And as Cory Asbury's famous song puts it, it's "reckless love." Not that it's actually reckless, but from a worldly perspective it seems like it. Why continue loving those who hurt you? Why continue loving those who left you? Why continue loving those who hate you? 

It's in those moments of hurt and pain where you can show true agape love. 

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. (Luke 6:32)

It always goes back to the question, "Can you love imperfect people?" Christ did. He even died for all sinners fully aware that some will never love Him back. 

Even if people give up on me, the lover of my soul continues to sing over me. He tells me that I am worthy in His eyes. He tells me that I am valuable. If the Creator of all things says that, shouldn't I believe Him? He gave His only Son so I could be with Him, how much more can I ask? He has poured all His love onto me. He tells me that I'm not a villain, no one is. Satan and sin are the villains. When we stay in darkness and sin, only then are we siding with the Villain. We are imperfect human beings that will hurt others and be hurt. He tells me to have grace on myself, to have grace on my imperfect self.

Run to Him oh my soul, rest in His embrace. Prince of peace, Refiner, Rock, Protector, and the one who has shown me the ultimate form of agape love... Lord You are good, and I consider it all pure joy. Even when I am on my knees in tears, I will consider it pure joy. You never give me anything I can't handle. And when my strength fails, I can always lean on you. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)

Through this you are refining me. Help me to lay down my pride and admit my mistakes. Help me to ask for forgiveness but to also forgive myself. Help me to persevere and to leave guilt and shame behind. Remind me that each day is a new one in Your grace and mercy. Walk me through my emotions and expose any hidden sins in my heart. 

To be honest I'm still anxious. I'm anxious to send those letters, press send, and press call. I'm anxious of the outcome and their response. I'm anxious to pour my heart and not get the outcome I want. It's a process, but I surrender it all to You. No matter what happens, it is good. My life is in Your hands and You are with those who are in my heart too. 



     This blog post might seem very vague to some people. It's a prayer, it's my heart, my emotions. It's a mess but at least God knows what I'm talking about (haha). Maybe some of you might know one or two people I mentioned in the beginning.
An area God is refining me in is my relationships. I'm a people pleaser, conflict avoider, and I suck at communication. When I build friendships there's always a wall when they get too close.  It's a mixture of fear and and a bunch of other stuff that God continues to reveal and refine in me. The Devil uses it as a foothold (Eph 4:27), spreading all sorts of bitter roots, doubts, fears, and assumptions. Sometimes I'm tempted to just cut myself out from everyone's life because I feel like a nuisance. Why be friends with someone you can never really get close to? 

     My prayer for myself is to love with no hesitation, to love like Jesus. There will always be a risk of being misunderstood, abandoned, and hurt because we're all imperfect. Jesus fought to love us with agape love. He went to the Garden of Gethsemane pleading and wrestling in prayer. It must've been painful to be betrayed, ridiculed, misunderstood, and crucified. But He didn't run away, he didn't respond in silence because He loved us so much. He loved with no expectation of us loving Him back. Lord, let me love like You.

Angelina

You Might Also Like

0 Comments

instagram