June 17, 2021
I knew that going into the life of following Christ wasn't going to be an easy one. I knew I would still be making mistakes and committing sins. That's why Jesus came and repentance is a thing. But surely past mistakes and circumstances won't appear again, right?
"One of my favorite visualizations was shared with me by a really smart and excellent psychologist. At the time, I felt like I was sliding backwards, and I made some mention of the "one step forward, two steps back" cliche. She told me not to think about it that way. She said that progress is a spiral. You start at the center of the spiral, and slowly trace your path out from there, traveling in long circles as you move out from the center. Half of the time you will be moving backwards, but you are still moving away from center, creating distance between yourself and your start point. Every step you take, even if it feels like you are falling back, is in fact advancing you in the right direction. You will handle setbacks differently and more effectively as time passes, and it helps to understand that even something that feels like a failure is actually advancing you. Those failures give you tools to keep going. It is slow and frustrating, but nothing is wasted in a spiral." -India Choquette
In the moment it might not feel like God is a loving Father since He is allowing the past to repeat. But it's because He is a loving Father that He allows stuff to repeat. I am brought back home in Guam to revisit the wounds that need to be healed, and this time, correctly.
January 29, 2022
I open my laptop to continue writing my "Steadfast Series," but I accidentally click on this old blogpost in the drafts. I reread it and almost let out a chuckle. This morning I prayed with Brittney, thanking God for showing me all the wounds that needed healing. I prayed for Him to continue working in my heart and for it to continue being open to the healing process. A lot of wounds from the past paralyzed me, some wounds I didn't even know existed - hurts from family and friends, my struggle to forgive others and myself, my parent's divorce, my sister, the damage I did to myself from toxic thoughts of guilt-tripping and shaming, the campus ministry and more. I called these wounds "small" or "something no one else understands." But I must normalize these pains remembering that there's strength in my weakness.
I still get that gut wrenching twist in my stomach when I see something from my past look straight at me in the eyes. But that's okay. I look back at it, and then up again to Christ, and I see a future filled with hope. Perhaps the past is repeating but it's also reforming my heart.
