Heart Work

When the Past Repeats

June 17, 2021

I knew that going into the life of following Christ wasn't going to be an easy one. I knew I would still be making mistakes and committing sins. That's why Jesus came and repentance is a thing. But surely past mistakes and circumstances won't appear again, right?

Being trapped by the past was the number one thing that made me stumble in my faith. It triggered self-sufficiency, guilt, and comparison (and those are only my top three). I could go through a storm of financial struggle, a storm of having to surrender my career, or even a storm of an unclear future and I would know that God is bigger than all that. But for some odd reason when old storms/people or anything remotely similar from the past appears, I cry mayday and steer the other way.

Old storms of ...
-friendships
-my emotions of jealousy and FOMO
-my sister's mental health
-people stopping Bible studies

When the past repeats it feels as though you're regressing. I started thinking, "As a disciple shouldn't I be dealing with this better with Christ or even, not at all?" I'm paralyzed and my tendency is to hide under the covers until the storm passes (if it ever passes). Hopeless thoughts cross my mind like, 

Aren't you a disciple, why are you making the same mistakes?
Are you really saved? Surely someone with the Holy Spirit wouldn't be as weak as you.
Is God really listening to you?


Surely God is not the one at fault! He is perfect. He is loving.
My finger has nowhere else to point but to myself. The fault must be me.
Something is wrong...with me.

The Enemy succeeds in planting this disgusting thought that my past has made me damaged and beyond repair. I start believing that nothing I do will be glorifying to God and that I will always fall short of His grace and perfect plans. I stop praying, sharing, and I isolate. I call myself the "worst of sinners," in a worldly sorrow sorta way.

But reading Grace Calls by Robin Weidner there's was an image of a spiral shell that stood out to me. The chapter talked about how progress is not a start and finish line, but instead, a spiral. We'll always bump into the same problems but we'll just solve it better the next time. Maybe sometimes we'll spiral back but nothing is wasted in a spiral.

"One of my favorite visualizations was shared with me by a really smart and excellent psychologist. At the time, I felt like I was sliding backwards, and I made some mention of the "one step forward, two steps back" cliche. She told me not to think about it that way. She said that progress is a spiral. You start at the center of the spiral, and slowly trace your path out from there, traveling in long circles as you move out from the center. Half of the time you will be moving backwards, but you are still moving away from center, creating distance between yourself and your start point. Every step you take, even if it feels like you are falling back, is in fact advancing you in the right direction. You will handle setbacks differently and more effectively as time passes, and it helps to understand that even something that feels like a failure is actually advancing you.  Those failures give you tools to keep going. It is slow and frustrating, but nothing is wasted in a spiral." -India Choquette

In the moment it might not feel like God is a loving Father since He is allowing the past to repeat. But it's because He is a loving Father that He allows stuff to repeat. I am brought back home in Guam to revisit the wounds that need to be healed, and this time, correctly. 


January 29, 2022

I open my laptop to continue writing my "Steadfast Series," but I accidentally click on this old blogpost in the drafts. I reread it and almost let out a chuckle. This morning I prayed with Brittney, thanking God for showing me all the wounds that needed healing. I prayed for Him to continue working in my heart and for it to continue being open to the healing process. A lot of wounds from the past paralyzed me, some wounds I didn't even know existed - hurts from family and friends, my struggle to forgive others and myself, my parent's divorce, my sister, the damage I did to myself from toxic thoughts of guilt-tripping and shaming, the campus ministry and more. I called these wounds "small" or "something no one else understands." But I must normalize these pains remembering that there's strength in my weakness. 

I still get that gut wrenching twist in my stomach when I see something from my past look straight at me in the eyes. But that's okay. I look back at it, and then up again to Christ, and I see a future filled with hope. Perhaps the past is repeating but it's also reforming my heart. 





I've been meaning to study Paul, Joseph, Peter, David and more people in the Bible who accepted God's grace and overcame their past. Perhaps that will be my next study.


"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life." (1 Timothy 1:15-16)



Angelina

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