I was scrolling through Illumination Publishers looking at new books to buy, and I came across some authors I personally knew. I thought it was cool that they had their own books and it inspired me to revisit my work in progress. Reading through my draft of Sparrows and Lilies, I was pleasantly surprised by what I had written. God is funny because what I wrote was ironically what I was feeling and going through this month. Two weeks ago I was asked to share my testimony for a recorded service with Hawaii. I was excited but also insecure. I never really liked sharing my testimony because I felt like my story wasn't significant, so rereading my own draft about how important our past is felt like God was sending me encouragement. It's also funny because I'm currently reading Lysa Terkeurst's book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, and in the previous chapter she goes through the same thing. Lysa goes through a traumatic event and days later she had to read through her final draft of a book she was working on. How cool is it to write something expecting to help others, but God uses it again to help you? Anyways, this is a random blogpost but I wanted to post a snippet of the first chapter. I'm still unraveling my past and healing from pains, but so much has already grown from the broken pieces I've handed to God.

Your Past 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Psalm 139:23

My heart drops as I wait to present. I try to hide my shaky legs and shallow breathing. My paper looked like a rat chewed the sides due to my constant picking. I was up next to share a personal testimony for women’s midweek. I listen to my sisters in the faith share their struggle with addiction, divorce, and bipolar disorder. Why am I sharing? Even before becoming a disciple I was your typical goody two shoes. Christian private school all her life, no drugs, no boyfriend, nothing crazy. I felt too ordinary to be sharing my testimony. I felt ashamed of my “normal” past. After sharing, I retreated quietly to my seat, hoping that no one would remember a word. My past is nothing special. 

Again, this same feeling fell over me as I attended a purity conference. Women shared their heart-wrenching and inspiring battles as tears stream down in the audience. Meanwhile my heart was struggling with feeling like an outcast in the faith. Afterwards I chatted with friends and did my quiet time before heading over to our next class. I didn’t realize how much time had passed. It must’ve been God’s plan for me to be late because there was only one class with open seats available. And what the speaker spoke about that day poked deep into the depths of my heart. 

One line she said was: Our past has a lot to do with our present pains. That sounds self-explanatory, but for someone like me who continuously minimized their past, I thought I was completely fine. When you allow yourself to disregard your past, you’re hiding unhealed wounds. Even the smallest cut can cause fatal consequences if not treated properly. I kept telling myself that I was okay since I never experienced some sort of life-changing event. But no one is immune to pain and no one has lived a painless past. Emotionally abandoned, trust issues, and more. We are all broken and imperfect people living in a sin-filled world. If we were “okay” Jesus wouldn’t need to come save us. As disciples we should explore our past with the loving Father by our side.

My mom raised two girls on her own and money was tight. We didn't have
health insurance, so if we were sick, we had to wait until we were really sick to go to the hospital. And we do that our pains and even sin. Don’t wait until it gets really bad. You could fix the problem sooner and avoid unchangeable consequences.

This is an invitation to explore your heart. All the pains, all the hurts, and all the ugly. If you’re like me, refrain from saying, “Oh but that incident was so small!” Trust me, some of the "smallest" events are the culprits of our biggest issues today.