Sparrows and Lilies

Mark 1

Jesus called out, "Follow me!"
So Simon and Andrew left their nets.
They didn't "need" to change their career and livelihood.
But something about this opportunity was intriguing to them.
They watch as this Rabbi Jesus preached the Word of God with authority.
It was almost as if He was the Word in the flesh.
He preached and casted out demons.
A man that drives out demons?
This news was drawing in crowds.
When He was done they left.
But He did not confine his ministry to a building.
It continued in people's homes.
It continued in people's hearts.
Simon's mother-in-law laid sick in bed with a fever.
They told Jesus of her condition.
"She's sick," that's all they said.
What would they gain from telling Jesus? 
Did they hope he would heal her? 
Were they too afraid to ask him to do so?
Or maybe they told Jesus to stay away and not get sick.
Nonetheless Jesus knew their hearts
He knew their unspoken prayers.
So
He went by her.
He took her by the hand and helped her up.
He healed her.

Jesus heals.
But did you also know that He takes you by the hand to help you up?
This was the Messiah, Son of God, Word in the flesh.
Jesus didn't "need" to help her get up.
He could've healed her without being by her side.
But He did it anyways.
He went beyond healing a sickness. 
He healed the sickness of the soul.
He did not just raise her up from bed,
He raised her spirit too.
She rose and served.
She wasted no time to prepare a meal for them.
A meal she didn't "need" to make.
But how could she resist serving
from a heart of love and gratitude?



Jesus, Son of God, came down here on Earth.
He didn't "need" to live among us.
He didn't "need" to die for our sins.
But His heart yearned for us.
Although we give Him nothing in return.
We are His everything.
He wants to be with us.
He saw you and said, "I need to be with you."
So a sacrifice was "needed."

So how do I respond?
To continue to remember how much I need Jesus,
and how He fulfills every need.
But I know my sinful nature will twist my mind
And twist my priorities.
I think I need to be like the world.
I think I need to be perfect.
I think I need to have control.
Or I think I don't need God.

But I need a Savior.
I need to focus on the truth.
The truth is: I am needy.

Jesus grabs us by the hand.
And heals us from our sickness of sin.
How can we stay
lying in bed?


We get up and serve.
Our "small" acts that meet people's need.
We don't need to be a comfort to someone.
We don't need to invite a stranger to our home.
We don't need to serve the poor.
We don't need to go outside our comfort zone.
Which are all true if we were selfish
But the needy know what they've been saved from.
The needy know the sickness of the soul.
This small act might be all they need for someone to see their need for God.

See your neediness
And see how this Jesus, Messiah, Son of God will meet you hand in hand 
to meet your needs and those around you.




Huh... did I accidentally make a chiasm? Maybe not the whole thing, but it does begin with the calling of disciples and ends with what we're called to do as disciples. Anyways, I did not "need" to write this whole thing (haha, get it). Mark 1:30-31 was the verse that changed my view on Jesus. This small action of Jesus helping her up was so impactful me. I understood Jesus to be Lord, Savior, Messiah, but now I saw Him truly as Love. As I was reflecting on this verse I wanted to see what happened beforehand, so I wrote my thoughts on those verses and then this whole thing came to be. I just wanted to reflect on the verse that I read during my Bible studies out of nostalgia, but the Spirit said, "You're going to write all your thoughts." I don't even know what this is. It's not a poem. Should I just call it open thoughts? Haha.
God continues to amaze me how His word is alive and active. This verse that impacted me 5 years ago continues to impact me and even more.

Picture taken on a walk at Hilton. I didn't "need" to go on a walk, but at the end of it I realized how much I needed it

A conversation I had with a sister stays vivid in my memory because the comment she made baffled me. "I see you as a leader," she said. It doesn't take someone to know me well to assess that I do not fit the stereotypical characteristics of a leader: a go-getter, passionate, motivator, team player. I will also add that she said this moments after I was crying in the car. I saw myself as overly emotional, sensitive, a people pleaser, and terrible at setting boundaries. So here I was wiping tears in her car, feeling weak and poor in spirit, and she suddenly throws out that she sees me leading something? I casted that comment aside thinking that she must've said that to make me feel better.

Fast-forward two years later, I find myself in a leadership position with the church as a part time intern for our campus ministry. I wrestled with insecurity and wanting to prove myself worthy of the position through my achievements. The job I once found excitement and joy in slowly morphed into fear and anxiety. I knew I had to take a step by and ask myself, "what is leadership to God?" These are His people and not mine. If I wanted to be a good steward of His people I had to ask - What does it mean to be a leader? Why does God even appoint people into leadership positions? What are my responsibilities?

I was at a Christian bookstore to buy a Bible for a friend who recently became a disciple. That was the only thing I planned to buy, but as my eyes darted across the bookshelf a book that read "LEAD" stood out to me (maybe because of the aesthetic art). It was a God-sent book because it opened my eyes to what God intended leadership for his kingdom to be. This blogpost will probably be heavily inspired by that book, Lead: 12 Gospel Principles for Leadership in the Church by Paul David Tripp, but it is more so my own meditation and application than a review.

How do You View Leadership?

Let's take a step back and see how the world views leadership.

The Word of God : Alive and Active

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:10-11 NIV)

Conclusion...for now 

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. (John 15:1-8 NIV)

 

Beneath the event planning, group gatherings, Bible talks, and studies; the community service, late night talks, and new friends... I've learned leadership is simply being the best example of a servant. If you find yourself in a leadership role, count it as a blessing to learn more about the servanthood of Christ.

There are often times I wonder why God gave me the opportunity to be a campus intern. I was going through an imposter syndrome the first year of being on staff for ministry. But like the sister that saw something in me, same goes for the ministers that asked if I would like to go part-time. They did not see my weaknesses, if they only saw that I doubt they'd want to hire me. What they saw was simply someone who wants to work for the Lord whether on staff or out. I'm forever grateful for those who have eyes of faith for me and continue to lead me to the truth of Christ. 

Jesus washes His disciples' feet:  “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (John 13:13-17 NIV)

 Lately my prayer life has been strange. I've been praying daily and being vulnerable, but something was still off in my connection. I haven't exactly been "excited" to pray. I'd talk to God, but there was no eagerness to present my requests, desires, hopes, and dreams. I'm not hesitating but instead I'm tossing a bunch of prayers in the air hoping that one of them would be answered. I listened to a podcast where the speaker quoted something along the lines of "praying vaguely is like shooting everywhere hoping that at least one target has been shot but also hitting all the wrong spots." Yeah, my prayers have been vague. It began to feel stagnant. 

"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him."

This gives me the same vibes as Proverbs 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." First we must truly understand the former to understand the latter.

Mark 11:22-26

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

May my faith increase when I am tempted to limit myself with waiting to be "in season." May my prayer life flourish and be consistent even when life is going "well." May I stop looking leafy green and actually be producing fruit. May I be ready in and out of season. May I have faith that moves mountains.

And James 4:3 mentions what I said in the beginning of the blogpost, what I fear my heart will be when I do pray specifically.

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." 

There are more verses on prayer, but these few have been convicting me. Am I walking that closely to God to be able to say that I am confident that I'm asking in His will, that I am not doubting, and that I'm praying with a pure heart? 

Anyways, I was not planning on writing about scripture. I was just going to write a blogpost of my current specific prayers but I guess the Holy Spirit had other plans. Here are my some  prayers I usually pray for myself, but now turned into specific prayers.

Prayers I've been praying:

• God to use me where He wants me
• Family to be saved
• Campus ministry

• Clarity by this month on my career path (continuing ministry, staying on Guam, or looking for a totally new job)
• My sister to meet my friends this month
• Be in contact with certain people again and for them to come out to our events 

 I was scrolling through Illumination Publishers looking at new books to buy, and I came across some authors I personally knew. I thought it was cool that they had their own books and it inspired me to revisit my work in progress. Reading through my draft of Sparrows and Lilies, I was pleasantly surprised by what I had written. God is funny because what I wrote was ironically what I was feeling and going through this month. Two weeks ago I was asked to share my testimony for a recorded service with Hawaii. I was excited but also insecure. I never really liked sharing my testimony because I felt like my story wasn't significant, so rereading my own draft about how important our past is felt like God was sending me encouragement. It's also funny because I'm currently reading Lysa Terkeurst's book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, and in the previous chapter she goes through the same thing. Lysa goes through a traumatic event and days later she had to read through her final draft of a book she was working on. How cool is it to write something expecting to help others, but God uses it again to help you? Anyways, this is a random blogpost but I wanted to post a snippet of the first chapter. I'm still unraveling my past and healing from pains, but so much has already grown from the broken pieces I've handed to God.

June 17, 2021

I knew that going into the life of following Christ wasn't going to be an easy one. I knew I would still be making mistakes and committing sins. That's why Jesus came and repentance is a thing. But surely past mistakes and circumstances won't appear again, right?

"One of my favorite visualizations was shared with me by a really smart and excellent psychologist. At the time, I felt like I was sliding backwards, and I made some mention of the "one step forward, two steps back" cliche. She told me not to think about it that way. She said that progress is a spiral. You start at the center of the spiral, and slowly trace your path out from there, traveling in long circles as you move out from the center. Half of the time you will be moving backwards, but you are still moving away from center, creating distance between yourself and your start point. Every step you take, even if it feels like you are falling back, is in fact advancing you in the right direction. You will handle setbacks differently and more effectively as time passes, and it helps to understand that even something that feels like a failure is actually advancing you.  Those failures give you tools to keep going. It is slow and frustrating, but nothing is wasted in a spiral." -India Choquette

In the moment it might not feel like God is a loving Father since He is allowing the past to repeat. But it's because He is a loving Father that He allows stuff to repeat. I am brought back home in Guam to revisit the wounds that need to be healed, and this time, correctly. 

January 29, 2022

I open my laptop to continue writing my "Steadfast Series," but I accidentally click on this old blogpost in the drafts. I reread it and almost let out a chuckle. This morning I prayed with Brittney, thanking God for showing me all the wounds that needed healing. I prayed for Him to continue working in my heart and for it to continue being open to the healing process. A lot of wounds from the past paralyzed me, some wounds I didn't even know existed - hurts from family and friends, my struggle to forgive others and myself, my parent's divorce, my sister, the damage I did to myself from toxic thoughts of guilt-tripping and shaming, the campus ministry and more. I called these wounds "small" or "something no one else understands." But I must normalize these pains remembering that there's strength in my weakness. 

I still get that gut wrenching twist in my stomach when I see something from my past look straight at me in the eyes. But that's okay. I look back at it, and then up again to Christ, and I see a future filled with hope. Perhaps the past is repeating but it's also reforming my heart. 

I'd like this series to be read like the Beatitudes with each part building on the other. The first, paradoxically, is rest. To be steadfast you must first know how to be still. To be effective in work you must learn how to... not work. 

Intro

No alarm clock at 5 am and no checklist to complete, today was my day of rest. The past weeks were filled with busyness from work, school, and ministry. Finally, a moment to breathe, but it felt weird.

"I feel like I need to be out of the house," I tell my roommate. But she reassures me to stay home and not plan anything. Resisting the urge to be productive, I watch some Youtube videos, read fun articles, and took a nap. I woke up and posted a picture of my cat captioned, "Spent the day being lazy." 

No... that's not right. I backspace and correct the caption to, "Spent the day resting." 

But we need to remember the truth that rest is holy, not a reward for productivity. God calls us to have more than physical rest, He offers true steadfast rest that satisfies and sustains the soul. To summarize this post: we need to remember our purpose, practice surrender, and enjoy life, as well as, focus on God's provision, power, and control.

Unlearning the Lies

Burnout

For a long time, I believed that steadfastness somehow came out of me. Something in me must conjure up this flame to go out there, spread the gospel, and be an impact; that looked like making plans and being busy. Some days I didn't rest, I thought I had to work for my vision to be a success. But steadfastness comes from going to the source; when we rest in the embrace of our Creator.

In my thinking that steadfastness came out of me, I took away power from God and placed it all on myself. I find the story in Leviticus a beautiful picture of this...

“If you want to live securely in the land, follow my decrees and obey my regulations. Then the land will yield large crops, and you will eat your fill and live securely in it. But you might ask, ‘What will we eat during the seventh year since we are not allowed to plant or harvest crops that year?’ Be assured that I will send my blessing for you in the sixth year, so the land will produce a crop large enough for three years. When you plant your fields in the eighth year, you will still be eating from the large crop of the sixth year. In fact, you will still be eating from that large crop when the new crop is harvested in the ninth year. (Leviticus 25:18-22)

My response is the same as the Israelites,"How can anything happen if I'm not working?"
And I just love how God tells them to rest from farming and that He will provide. This can be applied financially, "How can I take a day off from work? I need the money." 
Or in school, "I have to study. I need to use every hour to prepare."
And even in ministry, "But it's working for God, why should I rest from scattering seeds?"

In all situations God is working, He is the one in control and makes the increase. Of course, we need to put in the work (faith without works is dead), but for our day of rest, it's a moment to trust and surrender our work to see His works.

Ephesians 6:13

Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to [successfully] resist and stand your ground in the evil day [of danger], and having done everything [that the crisis demands], to stand firm [in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious]. (AMP)

As I read this verse, I stop and pause at the word "stand." I picture a knight with full armor and sword dug into the dirt. He weakly raises his arm and grabs onto his sword for support. His whole body shakes as he tries his best to muster enough strength to stay standing, but his legs give out and he falls back onto his knees. He looks down. Hopeless. Defeated. I pause as I picture myself as this knight. Am I standing? No, I see myself as a knight struggling to get up. Even if we put on the full armor of God, the next step is to stand and fight. And choosing to fight back is a battle in it of itself. Doubt starts to creep in, you're tired from what feels like a never ending battle, and the Enemy seems to have the upper hand.

Perhaps you've been fighting for awhile and was constantly knocked to the ground. You start wondering if there's a point in standing back up again. "Am I strong enough?" "Is this battle worth fighting?" "Will this armor really protect me?" Hopelessness overtakes.

The pieces that we put on are all from God, not ourselves. It's not the full armor of me. It's not the full armor of friends and family. It's not even the full armor of the church. The armor that will sustain and secure us through the battle is from God. 

I just wanted to focus on fighting to stand, so I'm not going to go over the pieces. But here's the armor to refresh my own memory.

• belt of truth
• breastplate of righteousness
• gospel of peace
• shield of faith
• helmet of salvation
• sword of the spirit

Putting on the armor might sound like the easy part and then the hard part is going into battle. But actually, the hard part is surrendering our old ways of protection and fighting and to fully trust that the armor of God will protect us (or at least for me it is). But continue fighting to trust and stand firm to the truth. 

Are You Fighting Back?

We can deceive ourselves that we are fighting back. Our prayers can have words with no heart, we can read the Bible but not actually process what we're reading, and we can easily smile during fellowship and say, "I'm fine." There's a difference between surviving and thriving. Here are a few.

Surviving:

• going through each day
• hoping something will change one day while repeating old ways
• bare minimum 
• self-sufficiency + isolation

Thriving:

• repenting 
• seeing God's goodness through it all
• persevering and giving your all (whatever your "all" is at the moment)
• asking for help

Questions to ask yourself

• Are you putting up a fight to stand firm?
• Why do you think you're struggling to stand? (For me it's usually self-sufficiency, insecurity, despondency, and pride)

• 1 Peter 5:10
• 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
• Psalm 18
• 2 Peter 1:1-11

This blogpost has been sitting in the drafts for over 4 months. I don't like posting stuff where I'm not putting into practice what I'm writing (which is why I haven't posted my "steadfast in rest" post despite having a majority of it written out lollll). I can't remember which podcast said, "head knowledge is theology, heart knowledge is conviction." I can now say with confidence that I am at least fighting to stand.

A few weeks ago our service message was titled, "Do You Want to Get Well?" It talked about the man healed in Bethesda in John 5:1-15. What stood out to me was despite being by the pool that heals, the man doesn't try running into it. I mean, he has been sick for 38 years! How hopeless could he be feeling? I envision him sitting at a distance, watching everyone with stony eyes. You can hear distant footsteps splashing. Suddenly a shadow is casted over him, it's Jesus and he asks, "Do you want to get well?" Of course he wants to get well, yet his response to Jesus's question is not yes. His heart aches to say yes. He's tired, discouraged, and hurt. Can I even get well? Jesus extends His love and healing power. He tells the man to rise. The man stands. 

Before I left New York I stopped by the Target in White Plains. Remember how we used to always share our faith and have Bible Talks at the food court there? Or how you always got parking tickets? (Haha let's not talk about your collection of parking tickets). I picked a cute little card that had a pinky promise picture on the front and drafted numerous letters, both on paper and typed out. But no matter how many times I rewrote it...no matter how many times I reread each sentence more than ten times... it felt wrong. I myself didn't have a problem with what I wrote. In fact, I thought it felt right. But something in me, that wasn't me, was saying not to give you the card. And almost 2 years later I realized that it was the Holy Spirit...the spirit was unhappy with what I wrote. 

At first the card sounded like it was filled with love and seemed like I was trying to be a peacemaker. But really I was just trying to make myself feel better. My card to you was very selfish. I rationalized my faults and pointed out yours, it had lots of expectations for you to change but not really myself, and I ended it with sweet words that I didn't mean or kinda meant (I knew what to say but my heart didn't actually mean it). My card to you was very long because I listed hurts and pains from months before. It was a record of wrongs. And every time I mentioned my faults against you, I sugarcoated and said, "I didn't mean to hurt you" and "I had good intentions." It was essentially a card all about me being, or at least me trying to be "the good one." But truly, Emily, all I needed to write on that card instead of those 5 paragraphs were - 

The book of Ruth starts with a famine and ends with a harvest. From empty to full. It resonated with me since I left New York empty: uncertain with theatre in the midst of COVID, brokenhearted from friendships, and weird family dynamics. Everything felt like it was in ruins. I write this as my 3rd spirthday is coming up tomorrow, and I see how God has started my year with a famine and ended with a harvest: new job, new friendships while building old ones, new apartment, new purpose, and a new perspective of God's love and faithfulness.

I don't know where I'm going with all these Ruth references. I'm only halfway through the devotional book and it's already cutting me to the heart. Like when Nathan told David a parable in 2 Samuel 12:12 to make him realize his sin, sometimes we need to revisit stories to tell ourselves, "you are the man!" I'd never expect to relate to Naomi so much. But it's comforting to know that the God Naomi stayed faithful to is the same God we have today. Redeemer. Provider. Refiner.

Nothing has really changed: I'm still not doing theatre, the friends I lost I haven't gained back, and I'm still confused about the future. But when my eyes are realigned to Christ I remember that all of this is in His hands, and I see the present blessings clearly. When I lost everything I was trying to find fulfillment in, only then did I realize that true fulfillment and satisfaction was right in front of me...in our guardian-redeemer Jesus Christ.

Look at the waves I saw on the morning of my spirthday :) 10.03.21